Skip to main content

This Can't Be Wrong

OK.  I haven’t written in a while, because I haven’t felt up to it.  I have no idea where my career is going, if anywhere at all, and it’s been getting me down.

I think of the barren lands that have been completely deforested by generations of humans overusing their trees and wonder what the woodsman felt who chopped down the very last one, leaving a sea of stumps where once old growth forest had lived. 

I am approaching the very last recital on my calendar, and I am realizing that the entire spring season went by without me working to procure more engagements, and also without anyone contacting me for any, and I find that very discouraging.  After my July performance at the Chicago Cultural Center I have no further solo gigs lined up, and I have been frankly depressed about it.  I understand that it is my job as a freelancer and an entrepreneur to make these opportunities for myself, but it is so exhausting.  Somehow this end of my job has never gotten easier and I have no idea how to break through the barrier.  Every day my to-do list has an item about firing out some email proposals, and every night I accept with a  sigh that I still have not done so. 

All that said, I played tonight on the Dake Faculty Recital. I performed the Lofstrom Concertino, which I will also be presenting at IDRS in a few weeks, and also the quintet arrangement of Le Tombeau de Couperin, which might have stressed me out if I had taken a moment to think about it. 

And it reminded me.  I was born to be a performer.  I love being on the stage, dancing around as I sell great music to an audience.  I could do this all day - it energizes me.  The harder the program the better I like it, and the more material I play from memory - totally without a net - the more ecstatic I become.  It wasn’t perfect tonight, no -  I’m still working on delivering the PERFECT performance - of anything - but alone on stage I am in my element.   

And this can’t be the wrong path. It feels too great.  I’ve been thinking about going back to school.  About changing my direction.  About studying to be a nurse, or opening a coffee shop, or walking dogs.  But performing, for me, is so right.  I just haven’t quite cracked the code for how to do it more.  How to make it a greater percentage of my income stream. 

BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO. 

Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 9, 2012 at 12:04 PM

    Yes. Yes. Yes!!

    Couldn't agree more about the last paragraph. Please continue doing what you're doing. There may be some way to collaborate on more performances of the Concertino if you are interested.

    Uncovered a few more radio plays, which is heartening.

    See you,

    Doug Lofstrom

    ReplyDelete
  2. JennetSeptember 9, 2012 at 12:49 PM

    Heartening, indeed! Congratulations to you, and YES I will collaborate on more performances - as many as we can find. More! More!

    Thanks, Doug!

    Jennet

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Blog has MOVED

 Have you been waiting ... and waiting ... and WAITING for a new Prone Oboe post?  Don't wait here anymore!  The blog has moved to https://jennetingle.com/prone-oboe/  and will not be updated here on Blogger anymore.  Please come and check me out there!  I love you all - stay safe out there!  Jennet
Post a Comment
Read more

How Do You WISH You Could Describe Your Reeds?

In Reed Club last Monday, we took a moment before we started scraping to set some intentions.  We each said one word - an adjective to describe what we WANTED our reeds to be.  An aspirational adjective. Efficient was a word that came up, and Consistent . Dark and Mysterious . Mellow . Predictable .  Trustworthy .  Honest .  BIGGER . Reed affirmations actually felt helpful - both in the moment and in the results we found as we worked.  I don't know why that surprises me - I set intentions at the beginning of the year, at the beginning of the month, at the beginning of a run, in the morning before I work.  I love a good affirmation.  I love WORDS.  But I'd sort of forgotten about the possibility of applying one to the mundane work of reed-making.   You don't have to know exactly how to GET to that result.  But having clarity in your mind about what that result is?  Helps you to stop going down unhelpful rabbit holes...
2 comments
Read more

Micro Rests

 For oboists, endurance is a huge problem.  We can play an endlessly long phrase, because of the way the instrument is constructed, but we can really only do that a few times in a row before our embouchure starts to get fatigued.  We develop a buildup of air that feels exhausting to hold onto, and the thought of sustaining that kind of energy over  an entire page of music, much less a 45 minute recital program, is intimidating.    There's almost always a lesson, a week or two before a jury or a recital, where my student comes in and says, "I just can't DO this! I can play every detail in my music, but I can't put the whole thing together!  My mouth comes right off the oboe when I try - I'm going to fall apart in front of the audience, and it's going to be terrible!"  Look, I'm putting this on my students now - but there's a moment a week or so before MY performances that feels exactly the same! I have not outgrown this moment of panic. And at that...
Post a Comment
Read more